I browsed many forums like Reddit and more and I found that most single moms face this issue and often search for – my teenager is making me depressed! Many say that if I had a male around in the family, the situation would have been different.
You might be in the same situation or maybe not but dealing with a teenager is indeed a difficult job. However, if you understand a few facts, it will be easier for you to figure out – why my teenager is driving me crazy.
1. Biological basis
Human brain keeps developing until the age of 18-20 or even later. Amygdala, the part responsible for anger develops first and Forebrain, the part responsible for higher order thinking, understanding others emotions, develops very late.
That’s why teenagers get angry a lot and do or say things that hurt others deeply. It’s not because they are bad but it’s just that they don’t have a fully developed brain.
On the other hand, there’s you – a fully developed individual with enough life experience. Your thoughts and those of your teenager will never match.
2. You want them to act in a certain way
Imagine when your child was small, you ask them whatever you want and they do it. Even those kind words “my mom is the best” were soothing but now they don’t behave like this anymore.
Believe me, one of the major causes of your depression is that your child doesn’t behave like a sweet kid anymore. They don’t follow your instructions, they question everything and they never do the thing you tell them to do.
You’ve to understand that this change is a part of the process and it’s going to be like this for a longer time. Lower your expectations and you will surely see a positive result.
3. Every situation is different
When you look for an answer to why my teenager is making me depressed, you get very generic responses. For example – teenagers have hormonal changes, academic pressure, peer pressure, and more.
Definitely, these things are there but they are not something you aren’t aware of, still you have the problem. What I mean is that every child is different, their environment, people, situations shape their personality.
In a way, you know how serious the situation is and how long it will escalate. Just reassure yourself, it’s not something you cannot deal with and things will be better. If it still doesn’t work, then please take help from an expert.
The condition your child is facing
Erik H. Erikson. a famous developmental psychologist says in his famous theory that teenagers are constantly in a crisis of “Who am I and where am I going?”
They’re constantly exploring various dimensions like their passion, beliefs, sexual identity, romantic partners, moral and spiritual beliefs, right and wrong and so on.
Everything is very new for them which creates a turmoil and it results in irritation. The target of this irritation is often the one who is closest to them – their mom.
You might be looking for an answer for why my teenager is making me depressed but do not worry because like every storm this will pass away too when they understand the world better.
How do you deal with this?
First of all, don’t feel guilty for finding yourself in this situation. It’s a very common problem that often automatically resolves with time. So don’t let it severely affect your mental health.
Additionally, when you keep absorbing your child’s temper tantrums for a long period, a time comes when you also start becoming like them. Two depressed people in a house is a disaster! The situation will keep getting worse no matter what you do.
Try to disengage
Most people want the situation to change but don’t want to bring any changes in themselves or their behavior. Don’t be like that! If you have tried enough explaining and fighting then it’s better to disengage.
For starters, you can stop pointing out everything, take your time to pursue a hobby, go on a trip or simply take time to observe their behavior. If you’ve been very strict then try to be a little lenient. What I mean is just relax and try the other way around.
Do Something New Together
The last thing that teenagers want is lectures. They are trying to figure out new things by themselves and it’s better to help them as a friend. Although a very common advice but very difficult to implement.
Remember your goal, you want quality time with your kid in which you’re not fighting. The best way to get that is to do something that your kid likes. Can be a video game, building something they’re interested in, or some new experience they don’t find boring.
Don’t Compare
Your child is already facing many issues in life, you may not understand the severity but they’re really in turmoil. If you compare them with others, it can cause anxiety and fear of failure which increases irritation in them.
You might have faced a similar situation in your teenage, try to remember how hurtful it was. Maybe you’re doing it unknowingly and your kid is frustrated by that. Try to bring this change and you’ll surely see the benefits.
Don’t have unrealistic expectations
Nowadays success stories are everywhere, it’s easy to get influenced and expect the same from your child. However, every person is different both genetically and the type of environment they grow in.
Remember, every parent expects something from the child and there’s nothing wrong with it. The problem is when these expectations go out of proportion. Unrealistic expectations make kids feel undervalued and irritated.
It’s better to have a career counseling session to figure out the abilities your child has and set expectations accordingly.
They Are Fearful
Uncertainty is a part of life and everyone fears that. However, for teens it’s something they’re experiencing for the first time. Like will they succeed? Will their partner stay with them? What will happen in the future?
Also, as I explained before, their higher order thinking isn’t developed yet. It makes uncertainties worse for them.
They need your support to overcome these fears and the only way to deal with this is talking. If you both cannot talk, it’s better to take help of a professional, but don’t ignore it.
Conclusion
I guess by now you would have figured out the common causes why teenagers behave like this. Most of the time it’s the circumstances rather than choice. Your child is not bad and they definitely don’t want their parents to suffer.
It’s just that a lot of new things are happening with them right now which are difficult to handle for them. Also, no matter how old school these techniques sound, the ultimate ways to fix this are patience, talking, and being a friend.
With that, try to bring some changes in your behavior and don’t pressurize your child. If nothing seems working then please don’t hesitate to take professional advice.
Experts will take the time to understand your situation and help you figure out the reason – why my teenager is making me depressed.
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FAQs
1. Why is my child making me mentally ill?
Everything is very new for teens like the hormonal changes, emotions, academic pressure which can make them behave impulsively.
2. Is it normal to feel depressed because of my teenager’s behavior?
Yes, handling a teenager can be emotionally draining. They usually don’t think about how their words will affect others’ mental health and it’s quite normal.
3. Does having a male in the house change teens’ behaviour?
Yes males can help better with discipline or support but communication and emotional support still remains the core.
4. My kid has changed now. Why is my child making me miserable?
Kids change dramatically during adolescence. Your sweet kid is now forming their identity, don’t take it personal – it’s part of the development.
5. Will this phase ever end?
You were also a teen once, maybe a better one but that phase ended. This phase will also end very soon.